because i love them.

I was once given advice from a friend that I've come to appreciate greatly. It was advice she was given by her mom and although not originally intended for me, it was something I needed to hear. I'm surprised at how much I've revealed in the past in my blog. My struggles mainly. I guess b/c I'm not talking to someone's face it feels like a "tell all" journal. A place I come to to let out my frustrations, excitement etc. Although I've received many helpful and encouraging comments, I realized after talking to my friend, that I didn't want to be so negative about my boys.

The advice. . . "you need to stop writing negative stuff about them or they'll come to believe it and become that person." I guess I always assumed that if my boys didn't "know" any better about my writing about them, then there wouldn't be a problem. I assumed that if I didn't say anything to their face then they wouldn't be able to become something other than decent men. I feel I was wrong in those assumptions. Mainly b/c actions speak louder than words. I don't tell them they're "rotten boys" or anything like that. (I don't feel they're rotten either...), but they see me struggle every day. They can see that I have no idea what to do or how to react to certain things and it excites them. Unfortunately to the point of disobedience quite often. But, I'm betting that a lot of their behaviors spawned from my expectations, even IF I never verbalized those expectations in the first place.

My expectations were never that my boys would be disobedient. Rather, that they would do something (probably mostly out of curiosity than anything else), and I wouldn't know how to handle it. They sense that and act accordingly. We all know kids are smart. We all know they understand more than we think they do. (Even though we know that...) I really think they don't mean to "act up." I do, however, think they sense my own insecurities about myself and my role as a mother and act on that. Anyway. . .

I was thinking a lot this morning about this. I was wondering how to make things different. I was thinking of all the people I could call or email about it and then I thought, "I'm going to dedicate a blog to them, because I love them." So, here I go.

Lance. I love you. I love you because you're kind, funny, affectionate and inquisitive. You're intelligent, you're artistic and creative. You're outgoing and you find a friend in anyone. You have a great memory and speak fondly of those you love. I love you because you love me. You give me hugs and smooches, you help me when I need it. You pick up your toys and put away your clothes. You're good at cleaning the toilet, tub, and doing the dishes. I love you because you want to play with me. I love you because you're a creator. You're going to go far in life. . .I love you b/c you love to snuggle with me, read books with me, draw with me, chop veggies with me, ride bikes with me and sing and dance with me. You're such an entertainer. I love you because you try, even when things are hard. I love you because even when you sneak something you tell me the truth. I love you because your imagination is WILD! You're so much fun. I love your courage in sharing the gospel--unfiltered! Your faith astounds me. I will miss you when you grow up.

Spencer. I love you. I love you because you're sweet and tender. You're strong, you can do most things for yourself, but I love that you let me help you. You're a softy inside. I love you because you have a huge heart and you aim for acceptance and approval. I love you because you use your imagination. I love that you have an imaginary "baby bee" (who is by the way, always responsible when something bad happens.) I love you because you're a jokester. A good jokester. You're jokes are hilarious. I love you because you forgive me and want me to be happy. I love you because you're brave. I love you because you remind me of the Savior when I need it most. You're always talking about Heavenly Father and Jesus and I love that about you. I love to hear you talk with them, especially when you don't know I'm listening. I'm excited to see the man you will become but I mourn how quickly our time together will pass. I will miss you too, when you grow up.

I hope I remember all the things I love about my boys every single day. I hope my expectations of them are always high and that as their mother I nourish their minds and hearts. I hope their earthly experience with me is fulfilling. I hope that no matter how quickly time passes or how fast they "grow up," that they'll always remember how much I love them. I hope they feel it, even when I am frustrated. I hope I teach them well enough so when they are out on their own, they make the right choices. I hope they always remember Heavenly Father and Jesus and develop a strong, personal relationship with Them. I hope when they get married and have children they will remember their time with me and improve upon that. I hope they are a better spouse and parent than I have been. Nothing wrong with improvement right?! :) I hope they always have high aspirations and accomplish great things in their lives. I mostly hope that no matter how long we all live in this life, we will be united eternally. I know we can be, I just hope we will.

You know what show I love? The Cosby Show. I aim to be that kind of parent, but really, . . . is that even possible? I love that show.

The end.